Archive | August, 2010

Breakfast Machines

27 Aug

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it boosts our energy, fills us full of fibre and gets us ready to battle evil ex’s and stuff.

However it is a bloody pain – your tried, groggy and putting bread in the toaster or even getting round to frying an egg just seems far too much effort.

So below is a selection of the greatest ever machines that can create breakfast for you.

’Pee Wee’s Big Adventure’ is Tim Burton’s first full length movie and is so weird that Mr T cereal seems the most rational thing in the whole movie. 

Ahh ‘Honey, I Blew Up The Kid’ I’m sure most wives would say ‘I think its best for the kids if I divorce you’ after the first film, here however she stays with him and guess what they only go and blow up the kid, still at least the toast isn’t burnt.

Wallace is the greatest inventor of our time, he doesn’t even have to burn off calories dressing himself in the morning. Still his breakfast machine has issues 1) Criminal penguins 2) The fact that having a side-kick dog who understand machinery is hard to come by these days.

My vision of purgatory is one in which everyday at breakfast, your dad is all chirpy and before you even sit on the steps with him, he has planned a song about togetherness, being together forever and ever and ever and ever – which cunningly always finishes as soon as his breakfast is ready; us kids just get stale bread – swine.

Then there is the ‘Back To The Future’ Doc Brown Breakfast Machine is one that goes totally wrong – burning toast, exploding eggs and the dog food missing Einstein’s bowl. It is so wrong you can’t even find it on YouTube just in case others try and recreate it.

Each of these machines is called a ‘Rube Goldberg machine’, a machine that over complicates a simple everyday task.

You may of noted that most of the above examples involved a mad inventor character  – well yes mad scientist do need a machine to make breakfast.

In reality however it was the film directors that wanted/needed the breakfast machine; what with them doing most of the work (cough* getting the credit; cough*) they saw it as a valuable commodity towards finishing the film.

I leave you with Family Guy Peter’s attempt; whilst I start to plan my breakfast machine

The Only Hero The World Needs

21 Aug

Brad Pitt could play him in the movie

During the early 90’s, Superhero cartoons and TV shows were kicking ass.
There was the Marvel cartoons of Spiderman and X-men, Power Rangers and this guy


The most righteous, camp, mullet haired superhero ever!
He has no clear super ability, so he is able to do basically anything!                                                  

In addition he taunts baddies with puns and has the amazing catchphrase of – The Power Is Yours.


So what’s his deal then

Gaia (Mother Earth) wakes up and finds out that the human race is destroying the planet, so she sends out 5 magic rings that control elements of nature (Earth, Wind, Fire, Water and Heart) to 5 special youngsters named the planeteers, who then travel the world defeating the bad guys.
If they are really in trouble they put the power of the 5 rings together and BAM, Captain Planet saves the day.

FACT: Many famous actors voiced characters in the 113 episodes – Jeff Goldblum, Meg Ryan, Whoopie Goldberg, Sting, Dan Ackroyd &  Elizabeth Taylor


the Eco-Villains are the best though-

  • Hoggish Greedly: Pig like human representing overconsumption
  • Looten Plunder: Greedy businessman representing uncontrolled capitalism
  • Duke Nukem: A radioactive mutant to do with nuclear power
  • Verminous Skumm: A rat creature representing poor sanitation
  • Dr. Blight: Mad scientist who uses uncontrolled technology
  • Captain Pollution: Opposite of Captain Plant (obviously) He once reproduced the 5 rings into evil  versions of Radiation, Deforestation, Smog, Toxics and Hate.

FACT: Has the title for first ever kids cartoon, to deal with HIV/Aids and to mention sex.

The episodes are very over-the-top. In the episode ‘Polluting by Computer’ the Eco-Villains break into the government computer system and change all the National Parks stats so they can dump toxic waste there……..OK some of you are now saying that’s not that far fetched. 

It would be great if Captain Planet returns to the screen. Teaching more kids about the issues around climate change, waste, sanitation and all things sustainable. Its message would be as clear as ever, as every kid knows about recycling and wind-farm these days.
I think they just need two more Eco-Villains – one to do with oil and the other to do with government.

Who else agrees with me?

Best pub in the world :– AKA – Home

9 Aug

I am now a Londoner,

Since moving here for university in September 2006, I have spent roughly 32 months listening to planes going to & from Heathrow and resenting the fact I leave near Twickenham Stadium which on match days is a pain in the arse. 

But its the other months I want to concentrate on  (quick maths – 15 months since Sept 2006 have been spent elsewhere)

And there is only one place you would of found me – and that place is what I call home – others may call it


Yes I do have a family within Pakefield and technically most of my possessions are within my parents house – but as soon as I get of the train, say hello to dad. My next statement is ‘Can you drop me off at the pub, please?’

Some may also say – ‘it isn’t the pub, its because your Lowestoft mates (Merry Men) are just sat in there’
But there is a reason for why they are sat in there – Its because its the bestest best pub in the land of unemployment, chavs, old people and occasional sunshine.

The facts to prove this are –

  • Great bar staff
  • We have our own corner
  • Small selection of beer (we don’t want to be overwhelmed)
  • Great alcoholics
  • Weekend party atmosphere
  • TV’s for sport
  • IT box
  • Pool & Darts
  • Live music
  • Lock-ins
  • conversation oddities

Maybe it is sad that the one building I care about more in the world is a pub……Well I don’t give one, it deserves the title and from next Wednesday until Sunday afternoon I will spend most of my hours at The Carlton’s bar or within our own Merry Men corner on the nice red comfy seats.

The Carlton needs you!

I Cannot wait!!!!