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Are we the scary generation?

5 Jan

Firstly, lets start by watching this video by the film critic Mark Kermode on the sub-genre of films that explore a strange fear of children and young people.

‘The terror is not to do with the young people of today are thugs, hooligans, maniacs, rioters – whatever.
The real fear is, they’re smarter then us.’ 

I’ve also been interested in how new horror films can relate to modern day themes (explored more within this Empire Magazine feature) and as Kermode states throughout the age of cinema – youth  have been represented as a scary modern force, because of  their intelligence, ambition and forward thinking.

Now, many people could say that the generation of today is not that smart; thousands of Facebook status updates and Tweets show that we “all” love Twlight and Bieber whilst not caring or knowing anything about politics, modern science or culture.
The young people people within the London riots who posed for photos of themselves with their loot of basmati rice also did not carry forward the concept of us youth being smarter then any generation before us…

However, what 2011 and its preceding years have shown us, is a change. Or at least a vast majority of people – mostly of a young age wanting there to be change in quite hard hitting deep social, economical, political and environmental  issues. The Arab Spring being the pinnacle of examples, followed by the Occupy financial movement that has spread across the world and not forgetting the need and want of solving climate change issues for not only today’s youth but for future generations as well.

So now we come to this point, where parents and adults fears, portrayed by psychotic, demon possessed youth within films seem to be taking place within the real world on a large scale- even if they just steal basmati rice.
Leading us to a conclusion that for the next decade, horror films will be full of youth causing gory death and gory despair. (more then likely in pointless 3D)

However, what if the youthful voice for wanting change grows?* Could another horror sub-genre based on generational differences take its place?
Loads of horror films already have youth facing murdering adults, notable examples being

  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre
  • A Nightmare on Elm Street
  • The Night of the Hunter
  • Halloween – Ok forget the first ten minutes

But unfortunately for many youth-led horror films, there focus on modern social issues goes as far as the latest underwear fashion…
To still be addressed in modern day horror is youth’s own fear of adults destroying our future, leaving us with nothing, not wanting change and for everything just to be as it is right here, right now.

After all, that’s what is happening within the real world.

*Oh yes old folk, the change will come. You thought you were scared when you saw The Exorcist – you haven’t seen anything yet..

The best environmental films

14 May

Nowadays it seems a new environmental documentary is released every week, what with the success of the genre hitting the mainstream due to Michael Moore’s efforts and Al Gore’s An Inconvenient truth. It now seems sensible for anyone who believes in a partially issue to grab film equipment and present the facts to hopefully bring chance in political, social and environmental attitudes. this includes

  • The Age Of Stupid
  • Pig Business
  • The Cove
  • The 11th Hour

All very hard hitting and popular within environmental and sustainable circles.

But the films that really matter, the films that reach a larger audience and make more money then documentaries. Are films with plots, characters, romance and action. Therefore here follows a list of films that have a blatant or hidden environmental message, that you can sneakily shows those people who don’t really care just in case it changes they perception of climate change.

The Day After Tomorrow

Concept of this film is that the North Atlantic Drift that predominantly keeps the UK warm with warm Caribbean water (cannot be bothered to go into the science for why) fails and within a day the whole of America and London turns to snow and ice. Why did it fail? – because of climate change. Is it any good? well its a nice adventure film, however if you try and explain the science behind it, you will be meet by blank faces who are thinking about the CGI wolves.

Water World

The film with the worst budget-to-open weekend ratio ever and to be fair, it is a little bit pants. The world is a world of water, Kevin Costner has webbed feet and Dennis Hooper plays a baddie. (again) They saviour is a little girl that has a map of land tattooed on her back. At one point webbed Costner takes a lady-friend to the bottom of the ocean to show her – you can guess it – a modern 1990’s city submerged with cars and fire hydrants. by the end they find land, which one must presume is the top of Everest looking all green and with horses on it.

Mad Max

Mel Gibson is mad, he travels around helping people, but you know he is mad – he has hardly any petrol damn it! Its some year in the future, there is no oil, solar power cars haven’t even been thought of as a travel option in the Aussie outback – not even bicycles??? but the point is there, one day we will run out of oil and we will all be mad

Dances With Wolves

This film is a bit more abstract – so a guy (Kevin Costner again) from the more developed world and gets to know the local natives, until he is inducted as one of them. Then his old friends turn up destroy there homes, decimate their livelihoods and general take over. Yay colonialism. Yay destruction of the Prairielands.

FernGully: The Last Rainforest

So there is this human lumberjack guy, who finds himself magically transformed into a forest spirit, he then spends some time with the animals getting to know them, until one day the humans descend to cut down more rainforest, cue a battle to save the last rainforest.

Furry Vengeance

A kids film newly released at the cinema, a building developer, moves to a pristine forest location to start work on a new town – cue the woodland animals putting the guy into hilarious situations to make the young ones laugh, until he understands that he must help them save the forest. you have to be very basic with kids films!


So there is this human guy who goes to a planet to help collect its resources until he joins the natives etc.. etc.. Its surprising that a film, which has a plot as simplistic as the above three films and many others could become the biggest of all time. Graphics are great, the level of depth of Pandora and its creatures is breathtaking, I just wish the plot was also.



Stunning graphics and characters; most of which just talk with beeps and whistles – it is basically a silent film, going more into depth about the problems with humanity more then the above films do. It also gets extra points for going into the issue of obesity.

Toxic Avenger

If you liked the straight-to-video gore films of the 80’s, the kind that are full of blood, crash-humour and semi naked girls then this the environmental film for you and I. Its the story of a weedy mop cleaner who gets  pushed into toxic waste and turns into a beefy mutant. he then seeks revenge on those that bullied him in the most sickest ways. However that’s not all its full of humour, its low budget somehow makes it great, the 80’s fashion is hilarious/ kind of cool and it has an environmental message. the Mayor of the city is aiming to gain loads of money from pouring toxic waste into the rivers – the Toxic Avenger stops him and the old lady running a white slave trade. This film was actually a success leading onto video games and an animated kids series – not bad for a 18+.


Princess Mononoke

In my mind the best film from Studio Ghibli. Like all these Japanese fantasy movies they seem kind of hard to follow at first; but the message is there. Iron Town is destroying the forests, the sprits are a bit pissed cue pay back. Yes you can say, it sounds like Avatar, however trust me – this in my mind is the ultimate environmental film. please check it out.


Any other environmental films to add to the list?

The Sarah Connor effect

6 Mar


The poodle look was so 1980s

In May 1984 a ditzy Los Angeles woman discovered some key facts regarding her future, her sons future and the rest of the human race.
A military software programme called Skynet will become self-aware in August 1997 and will destroy the world via nuclear missiles then via Austrian body building T-800 robots; her son will be the leader of the human resistance and hold the fate of the future of the human race.

Thus by 1991 she turned into a bad-ass educator to her son

‘I’m so tough I can kill dinosaurs’

Present Day: Millions of ditzy youth are discovering some key facts regarding their future, their children’s future , the rest of the human race and not forgetting all the other animals and plants. it is of course (DRUM ROLL) Climate Change.


Now – I’m not saying the future, will be totally apocalyptic with people killing each other for survival, extreme daily storms and few opportunities for food.

It can be that people really bond together as communities, share skills, help each other, have clean energy systems which gives them enough energy day-by-day.
It can be that that all the communities food is grown locally and everyone has they own little gardens. chocolate and bananas could still appear in the shops – however they would turn up in the UK via huge ships that use solar and wind power.
Multi-million enterprises could still make the world go round, but every single detail is sustainable thought out. The internet can still be running and at a faster rate then today – with the ability to make people feel like they have travelled the world without leaving their country.
If not, holidays won’t involve a quick flight, but a journey lasting weeks – made of many different forms of sustainable travel.

Our future can be all of that and more, but we don’t have forever. In fact we have a very short time and we need to follow in Sarah Connors footsteps.

So some parents may want to teach their kids on how to use an AK-47 and flip knives.

Things which will be more useful =
How to live of the land (growing your own food as well as going all Ray Mears)
living sustainable, keeping all your energy needs in top condition, how to achieve a really small carbon footprint, that community really matters, solidarity, ethical living

If we want our children to have a good life, we have to make sure they realise, there is more to life then Justin Bieber and we can make them live differently to us, better then us. We just have to turn a little bit bad-ass

Valentine’s movies for singles

9 Feb

So its that time of year again…imagesCA3EQI79

Couples go all googly-eyed for each other & single people state 

I don’t care about a totally consumer orientated fake holiday, produced by card manufactures; because life is so much more then giving a card to someone and anyways even if I was going out with someone I would make sure that we never-ever celebrated the holiday, because like I said its fake’

However that night, they will be trying their best not to sing along to Celine Dion’s All by myself

Therefore the best movies to stop this from happening have to

A) Have a happy-ish bittersweet ending. As a movie which ends in world destruction
    isn’t going to make you feel any better when it finishes. (Dr Strangelove)
B) Still have a love theme, after all it is Valentines day..
C) But end in no couple getting together or hinting that they will live happily ever-after. 
 Ruling out movies like Die Hard*, Pretty Woman, Most Disney films & Star Wars

Stand By Me

The greatest bromance film ever as they don’t even mention girls.
They just go on an adventure, prat about like boys do and grow closer as friends not lovers.
See the big V doesn’t have to be all about kisses.  x x


So there is this girl who is illiterate, pregnant (again) due to her father, abused by her mum and bullied – this film followers her life.
It is the most depressing sounding but most uplifting film around.
Giving you that warm ‘Thank funk, I’m not her’ kind of feeling.

Before Sunrise

It is a romance film, but one we all aspire to and wish would happen to us.
A guy meets a girl on a train. He is then stuck in the city of Vienna for the night and asks her if she would like to just hang out with him. beforesunrise
You see the chemistry between them and being single you can easily think – one day that will happen to me.

Before Sunset

How many romantic films have sequels involving the originally cast? 
Hardly any due to that ‘walking into the sunset’ conundrum. 
This however is one and it is just as perfect & suitable for the modern-day singleton.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

This film, is for the newly single person who has felt their heart pulled out of their chest by a forklift truck, or felt it slowly decay as their perfect relationship crumbled.
It is a film that can give you a new perspective on life, which is very rare….

In Search of a Midnight Kiss

This movie focus’s on that other single, funk-the-world moment.
The strike of midnight on New Years night.
It works due to the fact, it gives you something to look forward to…..Maybe within 10 months you won’t be the single nit-wit you are now.
– Any Documentary focusing on issues
Your unhappy
you may be thinking Funk the world
So why not put that angry to good use, watch a documentary like Bowling for Columbine, The Cove & Food, inc.
Then go out fighting!!!!

Scott Pilgrim (MICHAEL CERA) faces off with one of Ramona's evil exes in the amazing story of one romantic slacker's quest to power up with love: the action-comedy "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World".

 * Yes they split up in future sequels, but this is about movies standing alone. 

Best of 2010

27 Dec

Around the globe, the nerds, “The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads” have procrastinated and made the kind of viral links that will tickle anybody’s funny bone.

Thus here are the links of 2010, you should look at, ponder at and laugh about.

  • So this year saw the chocolate sweet giant, Cadbury’s got took over by the bigger chocolate giant Kraft. If only it merged with Nestle……
  • HA————choo!
  • XKCD: A great web-comic, that is all about romance, sarcasm, math and language.
  • Logorama: The winner of 2010 Short Animation Film Oscar, is all about a freaky world that is based around logo’s. Ronald McDonald is a freak and the Hairbo kid is a little shit.
  • Scarface School Play: Why have parents decided to make kids act out a film with 399 swear words? Fudge knows
  • Nerd audition: This below nerd and virgin made an audition tape to some sort of crap TV show; he took it of the internet and someone put it together again and back on the internet. Thus starts the chain reaction, of the nerd becoming the evil genius his, voice deserves.
  • Scary cows…..scary cows
  • If this is true, we can time travelto star in Charlie Chaplin movies
  • Hide your kids, hide you wife: if you haven’t seen this news video or its remix then you are truly out-of-tune.
  • 27bslash6: is the most funny, annoying twat out there. Here is his how he can piss off a cat lover
  • Lol

“The Sound Of Music” & Why It Scares The Funk Out Of Me

23 Sep

I’ve watched Eraserhead, The Exorcist, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and countless other films that by there originally description can be seen to freak and scare people witless. However for me, a hit Rodger & Hammerstein musical involving a nun, a lovely family and beautiful mountain scenery is the one that sends shivers down my spine – Till this day, I have only seen it once.
(Note:  At the time of viewing I was sober; not drunk or on some hallucinating drugs. In addition to create this blog, I could only read the script)   

  • The beginning starts like The Shining– camera panning over mountain scenery – What happened within the Kubrick film? A flipping bleeding elevator!
  • The nuns act like Maria, is a mental nut – just because she always likes going outside & singing! They seem to have a totalitarian 1984l ook on the world
  • Von Trapp family. TRAP. Clue is in the name – just like Damien in The Omen, Dr Evil, Scrooge etc.. 
  • The children had 12 governesses , before Maria (think Damien from The Omen X 7* killing everyone of them 
  • All the kids are in age/height order! That is too precise – Did the Nazi’s & their genetic experiments start before the war with the Von Trapp’s?  Note the blond hair, blue eyes of some of the kids.
  • German names – OK Austrian, but they still sound evil.
  • Captain Trapp bounds about, sticking to orders & running by the book. In comparison Maria is a hippy. I’m sure at the time this was made (1963) America did not like hippies or communists.
  • My Favourite Things’– is sung during a thunder & lighting storm…..think satanic verses
  • Do-Re-Mi’ – More like a spell for a potion, just like those 3 witches in Macbeth.
  • By the time the Captain returns from somewhere– The children are happy to wear lederhosen made out of flowery curtains???  
    No child can be that happy, wearing Lederhosen! What has Maria done? Cast them under a spell using both of those previous songs –  Which were led by her & have the children join in by second chorus, boosting the satanic verse and spells magical properties.
  • So long Farewell’ – Sounds like a pre-emptive firing squad song before they FIRE.
  • The way Maria talks about being in love with Captain is more like she is being hypnotised into loving him “I could hardly breathe. -Did you let him see your feelings? -I don’t know. That’s what’s torturing me. I was on God’s errand.”

This video agrees with my theory that something creepy is going on

Now I know musical’s have impromptu signing and dancing. But each song here is used as a form of escapism to such a far extent from Nazi’s or feelings. That how can it be right? Its like stating, that we could of kept the Nazi’s from taking over Europe if we just sang songs. I bet the Von Trapp’s in the sequel, would reprise ‘My Favourite Things’ whilst bombs were dropping – and little Brigitta Von Trapp laid on the floor with her guts hanging out.

They just can’t sing until it goes away – & thus that is why it freaks me out.

* Though yes, in The Omen his nanny is a servant of the Devil – However could/does Maria fulfil the same role?

Breakfast Machines

27 Aug

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it boosts our energy, fills us full of fibre and gets us ready to battle evil ex’s and stuff.

However it is a bloody pain – your tried, groggy and putting bread in the toaster or even getting round to frying an egg just seems far too much effort.

So below is a selection of the greatest ever machines that can create breakfast for you.

’Pee Wee’s Big Adventure’ is Tim Burton’s first full length movie and is so weird that Mr T cereal seems the most rational thing in the whole movie. 

Ahh ‘Honey, I Blew Up The Kid’ I’m sure most wives would say ‘I think its best for the kids if I divorce you’ after the first film, here however she stays with him and guess what they only go and blow up the kid, still at least the toast isn’t burnt.

Wallace is the greatest inventor of our time, he doesn’t even have to burn off calories dressing himself in the morning. Still his breakfast machine has issues 1) Criminal penguins 2) The fact that having a side-kick dog who understand machinery is hard to come by these days.

My vision of purgatory is one in which everyday at breakfast, your dad is all chirpy and before you even sit on the steps with him, he has planned a song about togetherness, being together forever and ever and ever and ever – which cunningly always finishes as soon as his breakfast is ready; us kids just get stale bread – swine.

Then there is the ‘Back To The Future’ Doc Brown Breakfast Machine is one that goes totally wrong – burning toast, exploding eggs and the dog food missing Einstein’s bowl. It is so wrong you can’t even find it on YouTube just in case others try and recreate it.

Each of these machines is called a ‘Rube Goldberg machine’, a machine that over complicates a simple everyday task.

You may of noted that most of the above examples involved a mad inventor character  – well yes mad scientist do need a machine to make breakfast.

In reality however it was the film directors that wanted/needed the breakfast machine; what with them doing most of the work (cough* getting the credit; cough*) they saw it as a valuable commodity towards finishing the film.

I leave you with Family Guy Peter’s attempt; whilst I start to plan my breakfast machine

Captain America Vs the World

6 Jul

I like Captain America. Captain_America
Not because I’m a secret American patriot – I’m a proper British gent who likes tea and the word trousers. It is because out of all the superhero legends out there – he just cannot at all fit into the modern world

The main problem is his total persona of  ‘American’ patriotism.
Now they is nothing wrong with being patriotic – I just fit into the crowd of pure cynics who cannot comprehend Americans passion and who puts it on level par with dictator celebration just to annoy them.

The siamese quads have a nice day out

Back in the days of WWII he fitted in perfectly, he helped enlist American men, he made a nation believe they could win the war and he defeated the most evil Nazi of them all (Red Skull)

Comic book-writers though, could not let him lie down his shield and retire. He appears again and again woken up from cryogenic freezing in the following decades, having to face bigger distain towards American globalisation.

Ronald McDonald is the symbol of fast food, Captain America is the symbol of Americanisation and we know how popular there are these days

This distain may go a little bit unnoticed within the USA, however with a Captain America film on the horizon, then the following ‘The Avengers’ movie- producers might have to account for how the world feels.

They can either stick to their guns, and have it 100% patriotic, leading to huge profit within the good ole’ USA but a $0.00 profit around the rest of the world.
Or they could (unlikely) have the character realise he is a national gimmick laughed at internationally, a corporate brand just like Dr Manhattan, that the fact as he stands for 100% Americanism he could gain more enemies then the Bush administration. 

Either way it will be a huge political film – debated among patriots, cynics, communist, capitalists, terrorists, geeks and it will have explosions!

The Problem with X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE

1 May

I cannot contain myself no longer- a rant about one of the worst films ever made is needed. X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE

Bad Ass Wolverine                                                      Camp Wolverine

The origin part lasted..oh… the first 5 minutes of the film. we had the realisation that James Howlett (yes his adopted name – Logan was his real father’s name) had bone claws, that sabertooth was his brother and that they are over 200 years old.

I would of rather see them both growing up during this, then the tripe of the following 2 hours. They didn’t go into the whole James realising Logan was his farther, realising that he is a freak of nature, that sabertooth is the reason he (well we would like to think) is a bad ass and that when he was first shot during the American revolution he found out that he was invincible and stayed that same Hugh Jackman age for the rest of his life!

See in one paragraph I have created a better film then any Hollywood script writer.

Instead we find ourselves in the 1960’s (though I’m pretty sure all costumes are modern dress-wear). We could of seen Wolverine with a mop-top or as the film progresses into the 70’s imagine him in flares and with an afro!

I have grown up thinking Wolverine is great and though he has a good side he always acts like a twat. (look at the first X-men for proof) Here he is a fucking bed-wetter. Ryan Reynolds steals the show as Deadpool and he only has about 5 minutes screen time. too bad during this he is stuck next to You know a movie is going to be crap when a hip-hop star is involved.

Anyways so they all do some stuff as a team (Team X by the way – did Xavier just nick this idea for his men or did he buy the rights to have the X Team), then Wolverine decides he doesn’t want to be part of it because his team are killing people (!!!!!) and then he’s married, sabertooth ‘kills her’ cue embarrassing moment of Wolverine shouting NOOOOOO over her dead body. Followed by the younger version of Brian Cox turning up and saying ‘ hey would you like some metal claws’

The moment when the film entirely goes to shit is when during the procedure younger Brain Cox’s states ‘when he wakes erase his memory’. Now to my mind it would be much easier to do this at the being of the procedure – not when he has a new metal skeleton, Oh hang on cue the slow motion Wolverine rising out of the bath tub looking all mean and grrr with his fake CGI claws.

(note: They didn’t even have to have the bit about him having bone claws, some comics only have his ability to not die – thus he gets the claws implanted because he can stand the pain)

He then runs around naked for a bit to keep the girls in the audience awake. until he reaches a barn owned by a sweet old couple. Ahhhh Wolverine acts all sweet and charming – are we meant to laugh at the point he cuts up a sink, or cringe at Jackman’s crap comedic performance?? The old couple also (for some reason that can only be explained in the script writers mind) completely change his sense of fashion! I’m sure he discovered leather jackets and motorbikes way before this old couple did.

Then their dead and wolverine cry’s a little bit and kills the bloke who shot them within an action scene that on paper looks amazing, within film looks like the CGI project of a work experience boy.

So wolverine then goes and meets that hip-hop star and The Blob (meh) he then goes with the hip-hop star to meet up with Gambit. Hip-hop star dies (YAYYYYY!)

What the fuck did they do to Gambit! I loved him in the cartoon, he was street smart and he had a weird but cool dress sense – his ability was also ace. In this they make his kinetic force power look as stupid as his hair coupled with his twirling cane. For a character that in the comics can fly and travel through time, he seems to have quite a lot of trouble with climbing up a wall!

Cyclops turns up at this point for no flipping reason. Plus this then fucks up the timeline. These events happen in the 70’s so that would mean come X-men movies Scott is in his 50’s. WRONG. Patrick Stewart also turns up, as some sort of freaky CGI Botox man. He looks like a face drawn on your knee.

Gambit takes Wolverine to the secret lab via plane, Wolverine jumps out of said plane into deep water. can he float? wouldn’t the weight of metal mean that he will always drown? They don’t answer this question so we then automatically find ourselves in a mutant lab, Wolverine helps everyone escape and then gives up on killing his brother (YAWN)  and then weapon XI stands in a doorway like some poor mans Darth Maul and then they fight.

How could they kill the coolest thing in the movie – Ryan Reynolds by making him this stupid silent bald bloke. I would love for they to be a Deadpool movie – hopefully it will have nothing to do with this shite.

We then get to the bit when Wolverine loses his memory, by being shot in the head with a bullet made out of the same metal within his bones. Yet again only the scriptwriter can fathom why this makes perfect sense. What about the kid with the two different coloured eyes, who is a big part in X-Men 2 and is seen here within an ice block. why didn’t his dad just unthaw him and make him erase Wolverine’s mind. Plus he could of erased Sabertooth’s mind and it would make perfect sense to why they act as strangers in the first movie.

Thankfully its the end. If you bother to watch till the end of the credits, a little scene shows you why the whole film is crap. Wolverine is in a Japanese bar and is asked by the barmaid ‘drinking to forget’ ‘no, drinking to remember’ even Eastenders scripts are better then this.

So to sum it up Wolverine is a disappointment to fans because

A) They make Wolverine nice

B) Too many characters and a Hip-Hop star

C) Bad dialogue, bad CGI, bad plot, bad costume, bad editing, bad acting

D) They are plans for a second movie – all about Wolverine learning samurai skills in Japan (none of these skills ever turned up in the X-men films) this concept is from a cult graphic novel, thus I hope they keep to its structure then rather gearing it up into Hollywood crap. But I guess that is just a dream.

Any more comments please add